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Let me tell you about my friend, Judith……

                A couple Tuesdays each month I drive to a Senior Center in Joliet, pack my front seat with coolers filled with food, and drop off meals to the elderly in Joliet through the program Meals on Wheels.   Little by little I got to know the people I was delivering meals to.  And little by little, one of them in particular started to feel like she was a blessing that was Heaven sent.  Her name is Judith.
                On one particular Tuesday a while ago, I had just ended a relationship and quit my first adult job all in one week.  I was scared, unsure of everything, and feeling pretty down.  Trudging through the snow, I found my way to Judith’s side door and as usual, within seconds of my knock she was right there.  Her smile upon seeing me warmed my heart as she spoke, “Oh, Heidi! It’s so good to see your smiling face, you are just so young and beautiful.”  I thanked her for the kind words and she thanked me for the delivery.   She wished me her usual ‘God bless’ and I was on my way.  I got back in my car and found myself unexpectedly crying.  At a moment in time where I felt far from beautiful, Judith spoke the words that touched my soul.  She brought me great joy and reminded me that no matter what is going on in my life, I can still be beautiful to others, but especially to my Heavenly Father.  In that moment, she mimicked God’s love, showing me that no matter what may be going on in my life, God’s love for me never fails. I know in my heart, God used her to put a smile back on my face.
                More recently, I was dropping off a meal to a new location in a not so great part of town.  The instructions read to call the client or knock on the side door with the meal.  I first knocked on the side door…no answer.  So I ran back to my car, grabbed my phone and called the number.  A lady answered and told me to meet her at the side door.  I grabbed her meal, held my phone, and made sure to lock my car door since I knew this was a rough area.  Small chat ensued, then I was back at my car placing my hand in my pocket for my keys…….I bet you can guess what happened from here.   My keys were staring at me from the front seat with the doors locked, windows up.  Whoops.    
                It was one of those moments when you are pure helpless and you have no one else to blame but yourself.  Luckily I still had my phone and about an hour later a locksmith came and unlocked my car.  I still had 4 meals to deliver and now they were late.  I felt horrible…super super bad.  These are older people who are set on their specific delivery times.  I just messed that all up.  I prayed in the car that I would be shown mercy, and I should have known more than anyone, Judith would be there to do just that.  I arrived at her door and she had the most concerned look on her face.  I started apologizing and she interrupted me telling me how she had called the senior services center knowing that today was my day to deliver and she was worried about me.  I told her what happened and she told me to stop apologizing, that she herself had locked her keys in the car with the engine running at one time.  She showed me immediate mercy, love and fellowship. I was beyond relieved. 
                In that moment, Judith was what I needed.  I just wanted someone to tell me, “I forgive you. Yes, you screwed up, you aren’t perfect but you’d be crazy to think I’d hold this against you.”  Without that mercy I would have still felt agitated with myself and still would have been down on myself.  But after a few kind words from Judith, all the anxiety and fear was washed away.  She showed me a great example of God’s love that day by easily forgiving my mistake, and also being concerned that the path I was meant to take was altered.  You see, God has a path planned for each and every one of us to take.   Sometimes along the way we get side tracked by sin or our own imperfections slow us down or lead us somewhere we know we probably shouldn’t be.  But the great thing about God is that like Judith, He is always right there standing at the door waiting for our knock.  “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Luke 11:9).  God’s love is waiting for you in some very unexpected ways.  All you gotta do is open the door!

I don’t wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul

             This morning I was listening to my Pandora Jeremy Camp Station and all of a sudden I heard “a beat” and rapping, and I thought to myself, “what in the world is this song doing on this station”.  Then I heard the familiar melody of “Lose my Soul” by Toby Mac.  Now it made sense.  I hadn’t heard this song in years! It definitely got me thinking (and helped me get my groove on!lol…thank goodness I live alone ha!).  Then, I went to Church in which the sermon kept my thought process going, forcing me to try and write it all down. 
                The main point in Toby Mac’s song is: “I don’t want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul”.  It’s a mantra that is sung over and over again, and I believe that we should always stop and reflect on our own lives to see if we are letting the glitter of “this world” blind us of the things eternal.  Are we so focused on our jobs and getting promotions that we are sacrificing time with God and our families? Are we so wrapped up with material things that we are putting in late hours at work in order to buy the latest and greatest tv’s, clothing, cars, sofas…whatever it may be?  Are we letting the busyness of being “here” and making appearances “there” crowd our lives with so much clutter and a desire to increase in popularity among men that we can no longer see the image of our loving Savior crying out to come and seek Him?  Are we putting all our effort into a new boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and turning to them for fulfillment instead of realizing God is the only one who can ever truly fill our hearts first, thus allowing His love to trickle down into our precious relationship and bless it?  Jesus makes it crystal clear:   “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and wealth” (Matthew 6:24). 
            Are you loving the world so much, that you are turning away from the heavenly perfect love that was made for you?  There is hope and there is help for you.  Church this morning seemed to fit perfectly with how to get back to loving God and step away from self-absorption and worldly absorption.  It’s funny how the Holy Spirit makes things fit so perfectly together sometimes huh? So I’m going to write about what the Pastor talked about in Church this morning.  I cannot take any credit for this, it’s all his message which I’m sure in turn he would give God all the glory for the words that he spoke this morning.
            First, you must restore your relationship with God.  The best way to do this is to set aside quiet time with Him.  Pour out your heart to Him.  Open up His Word and allow it to flow into your soul.  It also helps to talk to others about where you are at and where you want to go.  Where 2 or more are gathered in His name, He is surely there!  Once you are living in close relationship with God, you will begin to see how things of this world become less and less appealing.  You will begin to see how some of our culture’s lies that supposedly lead to happiness are only dark holes that suck you in and leave you feeling lost inside.  Second, restore your relationships with those close to you.  Build one another up and help each other walk closely with God.  Third, restore your relationship with those far from you like with volunteering or mission work.  As you draw closer and closer to God and to your brothers and sisters in Christ, you will be overflowing with love that You cannot help but desire to perform acts of charity. 
            God wants to give you the pure joy and the unfailing hope that Jesus earned for you on the cross. He wants you to set down those files and paperwork on Sunday morning and come know Him through the Church.  He wants you to turn off The Bravo’s Real Housewives at night(yes, this truly applies to myself!) and tune into quiet time with Jesus.  A lot of people reading this are thinking, “I’m too busy, I just don’t have enough time”.  So start slow, spend 5 minutes a day alone with God. I dare you! You will be amazed at where it will take you!  Our souls were made to love God.  Nothing else on this earth will satisfy that hunger deep within each one of us…nothing.  My prayer tonight is that you take the time to walk with Him.  Let Him show you the ways to everlasting joy instead of following the lies of the world.  I pray you lose your grasp on this world and hold tight to the hands that loved you before the world ever began. 
           

“Father God, I am clay in your hands,
Help me to stay that way through all life’s demands,
‘Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me,
And every little thing I make up my mind to be,
Like I’m gonna be a daddy whose in the mix,
And I’m gonna be a husband who stays legit,
And I pray that I’m an artist who rises above,
The road that is wide and filled with self love,
Everything that I see draws me,
Though it’s only in You that I can truly see that its a feast for the eyes- a low blow to purpose.
And I’m a little kid at a three ring circus.

I don’t want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don’t wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.
I don’t want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don’t wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

America has no more stars, now we call them idols,
You sit idle, While we teach prosperity,
The first thing to prosper should be inside of me.”

I’ll Take you Back…..ALWAYS

I don’t know how to explain it
But I know that words will hardly do
Miracles with signs and wonders
Aren’t enough for me to prove to you

Don’t you know I’ve always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away
I’ll tell you still
Don’t you know I’ve always loved you
And I always will

Greater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that’s what I’m going to do for you

-Third Day
            I hadn’t heard this song in a long time, but tonight it came up on my Pandora radio station.  I stopped everything I was doing and just listened.  I was filled with peace and joy and a desire to shout of God’s love. Maybe this is my “shouting”.
            It’s hard for us sometimes to even comprehend God’s love.  We never fully will.  If we did we would be in Heaven.  But what we can comprehend is still so unbelievably amazing.  To think that a God, who is Lord of lords, King of kings, knew you before the world even began is beyond incredible.  He not only knew you, but He loved you.  When God was creating the mystical sunrises and sunsets, you were in his mind sitting there admiring the beauty billions of years down the road.  When he created the wonderful taste of a strawberries, chocolate, anything, he knew every person who would ever enjoy them and he smiled. 
            My heart hurts for the people I see today who are drowning in regret and shame at the horror of what they’ve done and think that they do not deserve love.  You have a God who has loved you even before time and He can never love you less.  There is nothing you could ever do to make God look away and stop loving you.  The bible says that “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8: 38-39). NOTHING, absolutely nothing can separate you from the love of God including your very own sins.  His love is always there.  What happens is as we build up more and more sin, more distractions, more earthly desires and less heavenly aspirations, we cloud up that love of God that once shone so bright in our lives.  His love is still there just like always, but we don’t always let ourselves see it, or feel it.  We think that what we have done, or what we have failed to do makes us unworthy.  We think, “How could God ever love me after I did this…or did that?”.  If you get one thing out of this rambling, I pray that it is this: God could never love you less.  He loves you just as much as he loves Pope Benny.  He loves you just as much as he loves Mother Teresa. 
            The other Sunday, the priest told the story of Saint Margaret Mary and how Jesus revealed Himself to her, calling her to start a special devotion to His Sacred Heart.  She told her superior Priest about this calling and the need to spread the word about Jesus’ great love through His Sacred Heart.  The priest wouldn’t believe her.  She saw Jesus again that night and He told her the same thing. She explained how the priest wouldn’t believe her but Jesus told her to be persistent.  After a couple nights of this same routine, finally the priest said “There is one shameful sin that I committed when I was really young that no one knows about except Jesus.  If you can tell me what it is, then I will believe you.”  So that night, Sister Margaret Mary talked to Jesus and asked Him to reveal to her the priest’s sin.  Jesus replied, “I forgot”.
            Guys, I cannot stress this enough: God loves you.  He knows about your addictions.  He knows about your shameful deeds.  He knows that very thing that is coming to the forefront of your mind right now at this very second, and all He is asking you to do is to have faith in what HE has done.  Believe in the cross.  Take all your sins and get down on your knees and release them at the foot of the Cross.  You will be lifted up by forgiving and bleeding hands of Jesus.
            And I hear you saying, “but what about this world, what about all those who have seen what I’ve done and are standing in judgment over me.  They look at me with scorn and distaste in their eyes and cast me out.  How am I to move on when this world counts me out?”.  Take a look at John Chapter 8.  Jesus encounters a woman caught in the act of adultery.  The people hold stones in their hands ready to put her to death as punishment for her crime.  Then they ask Jesus, “In the law, Moses commanded us to stone such a woman. What do you say?”.  Jesus replied, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Wow, they weren’t expecting that one.  We are all sinners, and we all need God’s love and grace.  But essential to this story is what happens next, Jesus says, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, from now on do not sin any more”.  Being a Christian doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want knowing that God forgives no matter what.  I feel sorry for the man who believes that because in the end he will face the wrath of God.  Being a Christian means knowing that we are sinners, and God will forgive all our sins, but He calls us all to strive to become the best versions of ourselves.  We can mess up, but we best try again harder next time to turn away from sin and turn toward justice and truth. And even if our trying consists of just baby steps, He will rejoice in our efforts to walk closer to Him and allow His love to wipe away our deepest sins and renew our hearts.  No matter what, His love will always remain.
            So….you gotta QUIT doubting the cross.  Jesus was enough.  He conquered all sin and all death.  He conquered all evil with His love for you.  He stood in judgment and all the while being rejected, He thought of YOU.  He carried his cross in complete exhaustion, and every time he stumbled and fell, He saw YOUR face and got back up. Nails pounded into his wrists and his feet and his heart ached for the sin He knew you would commit, but His LOVE for you remain.  He lay hanging, blood pouring down from his most precious face and before giving up His spirit, He saw YOUR face.  I can’t help but think before leaving the tomb, Jesus smiled seeing the hope that you now have available to you if only you would just BELIEVE that His cross was enough.

Delinquency and “Jesus”
For a nation and culture that can sometimes be very anti-Christian, America somehow seems to proclaim a lot of “Jesus’”!  How many times a day do you hear a co-worker, friend, maybe even spouse or family member use His name as just an expression or worse as a swear word. 
                “..the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” – Philippians 2:10-11.
Most recently, Natalie Grant wrote an amazing song called “Your great name” in which she explains the mighty power of the name of Jesus: “the enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of Your great name”. 
“Jesus”, immediately love, gratitude, mercy, grace, reverence, awe, among many other wonderful emotions should come to mind as well as great power and hope.  His name is precious because of who He was and is and always will be.  He is God, our savior who at the whisper of His name will rescue you and bring you peace.  I challenge You next time you feel lonely, sad, afraid, scared, just whisper His name and embrace the peace that follows.  The power of His name is real because He is real and He loves you very much.
The reflection on his great name came about due to my most recent run on my favorite wooded trail.  It was a beyond beautiful day and I just kept going down the trail worshiping Him with my new live Jeremy Camp cd blasting in my headphones.  I looked up at one of the signs on the trail and right on the post someone had written in permanent marker, “Jesus”.  It made me smile and I kept going.  Sure enough, the next sign and the following sign, and even the one after that, the same thing, “Jesus”.  I laughed thinking, “well, I’m sure God doesn’t exactly agree with defacing public property but I’m sure He will overlook it when He sees all the smiles it brings to those along the trail”.  I began to think about who had written it, and came up with my own deductions as to exactly who the artist was.  I figured it was a child maybe teenager with a newfound fire for Christ.  Someone bursting at the seams with a love for Jesus that she just couldn’t hold back from praising Him publicly.  Ya know how when we were kids, people would carve their names and their loved ones name on the bark of a tree trunk.  I feel like this is exactly what this child did: she loves Him so much that she wants the whole word to know who He is.  So why not display Him in one of the most public and peaceful places imaginable.
I pray that God every day gives us that exact desire to make His name known to the world.  I pray that we may be bursting with joy and love for Jesus that we wish to shout out loud about His goodness.  I pray that we may worship Him and allow the Holy Spirit into our hearts to work through our lives in order to write in permanent marker the name of Jesus on the hearts of those surrounding us.  How great would that be if just like the posts, one after another, we could gather believers for the glory of God with Jesus’ name firmly etched on their hearts.  

“From the inside out”

It’s been such a long time since I’ve written! For the past couple weeks I’ve had a certain theme on my heart so I finally found the time to sit down and collect my thoughts…i hope they make sense!

Recently, my favorite activity to do on my days off is running.  It completely clears my head from all stress and worries of work, and most of the time I fill my mind with Christian music. A couple weeks ago I listened to a song that I had not listened to in a while and it captured my heart just like the first time when Kiki first played it for me.  It’s by Seventh Day slumber and it’s called “from the inside out”….the part that really sparks me to the very core are these following lyrics:
“My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out"


FROM THE INSIDE OUT:  the title of this song is extremely important….we must come to know and praise God from the inside out… what happens if we don’t? we become those people in church who are constantly checking their watches and who can’t wait for church to be over so they can go back to “their own business”… i’m sure those people love God, but their love for Him at that moment is failing to come from their true inside. On the outside, they are at Church…they love God from the outside view…but their hearts are elsewhere.  God can be found deep within all of us.  Our creator loved us so much that he can be found within each of our own hearts.  And He calls each of us to that very place where we can meet Him and find this deep, moving love that stems from the deepest part of our souls.  


      You often hear people talking on tv or on the radio about the need to “find oneself” or “discover oneself”. I could not agree more, but sometimes they miss the key on how to do this.  We won’t find ourselves by reading a million self help books, going on a getaway vacation, or scoring the perfect job.  These things may help but the key to finding oneself is by the same “inside love”.  I believe that we can never be confident in knowing who we are unless we are confident in knowing who our God is.  Think about this: if you want to know your family’s ancestry, you have to go to the people who created you: your parents, grandparents, great grandparents…if you really want to know where you came from…you have to trace all the way back as far as you can go in the line of your creation.  If you really want to know why you are the way you are, why you have certain talents and why you fail at other things, or what your purpose is here on earth, you have to look to the ultimate Creator.  You have to look deep within yourself to that very spot in your heart where God resides. God will reveal to you why He made you who you are and who He is calling you to be, but we have to be the ones to reach deep on the inside and allow God to reveal these truths to us.  Only then , can we find full confidence in ourselves as children of God.


   I think this is really important in relationships with friends, family or significant others. Matthew Kelly wrote, “for to love is to give your self freely and without reservation. Yet to give yourself to another person, you must first possess your self.”  I think now adays society tells us in movies and tv shows that to possess yourself, to find yourself will happen by falling into a nice relationship or looking to friends.  And yes these things can help, but i can’t emphasize enough how God is crucial in being comfortable in your own skin. If you aren’t fully you, or if you aren’t comfortable with who you are, then you are not adding to that relationship.  You are the constant moocher…trying to find yourself through others.  They may help you or give good advice, or help you place a temporary bandaid on all your scars, but Jesus is there to help you become fully you and to heal those deep wounds on your heart.  And by knowing Him, He will help you know yourself and your purpose, and then you will be fully adding to your relationships since you are fully known!


   I guess it all comes down to, God and knowing God more should always be your number one priority.  Find Him deep down within yourself, and a great love and confidence will radiate from your innermost being that may make it hard for others to look away! May you always feel the great love that God wishes all of us to feel from the “inside out”.


			


	

			





	
	


		

		
“Speak, Lord, Your servant is listening”

				

			
		

			


	

		
So, I’ve had this bible passage in my head for the past week, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening” 1 samuel 3:9. I really enjoy Samuel, I think he was one of the most interesting prophets. In this scenario, Samuel did not know he was to be a prophet…..in fact, the bible says that it was uncommon for prophetic communications during those days. During this particular day, Samuel was sleeping near the ark of the covenant with Eli just in the other room. God called Samuel’s name three times and Samuel thought each time it was Eli. Each time he ran to Eli and asked, “Did you call me?”. Finally, Eli gets what’s going on here and tells Samuel to simply say the next time he hears a voice , “Speak, Lord, your servant is listening.”


So put yourself in this situation….. are you more like Samuel… just going about, day to day routine, not really thinking too much about God and missing Him throughout the day.  He was just sleeping in the temple as usual…God was trying so hard to reveal Himself to Samuel, but could not grab his attention.  For THREE times the Lord tried to call him. How many times does God call us and we simply brush it off or lose his voice in the our own noise.  I know myself there are many times when I’m so caught up in the noise of my own life that there’s no way God’s gonna get through…. it’s all about me me me…there’s no “speak, Lord, your servant is listening” when all i’m doing is drowning in my own noise.  I really believe that if you lose your life to God, you will find it…..and by getting caught up in your own noise, you are just gonna end up in the middle of nowhere with no map and no direction.


Maybe it’s not the noise that keeps you from God, maybe it’s the sleep like Samuel.  He was fast asleep each time when he was awoken by the voice.  Are we “fast asleep” in the routine of our daily lives? Do we ever think of God throughout our days? I know it’s been super hard for me lately, being busy and working long hours, then being so tired at night that all i wanna do is just unwind with some tv and fall asleep without opening my bible or without clasping my hands in prayer…..but God wants us to know Him, He wants to spend time with us….you never know when He might be whispering your name.


Or maybe you don’t believe that God would reveal Himself to you in such a way.  Like it says in this passage, messages from God weren’t common back in those days. Real prophets are definitely not common during this day and age. But I would tell you to be careful not to let your hardness of heart keep you from feeling God’s love. It’s the most incredible gift we could ever welcome into our lives. Yet, so many disregard the gift. They don’t think God would talk to someone like them, they don’t give God the time of day cuz they have too much stuff to do and think about, they don’t care because God hasn’t revealed himself to them before…why would he now….. but you need to know He loves you….SO much…once you trust in that love, i mean fully trust….fully bow down before the Lord, empty and broken….giving him all of yourself, the sins and the triumphs and laying it all at His precious feet in complete and utter trust and humility, only then will you be truly empty of yourself and filled with His unending love.


The phrase says it all really…”Speak, Lord”….meaning “God, I know you love me, i know you want to reveal yourself to me…please do so, I need to feel you, I need to hear you, I need to be one with you”…..
“your servant”…meaning…”I’m totally and completely yours…I lay my life down at your mercy knowing that by doing so, I will be set free…I will find who i truly am by finding myself in You….I know that they only way to real joy is through serving you”
“is listening”….”yes, Lord, I am here and I am thinking about You……my heart is open to your voice as I attempt to rid myself of all my own concerns, worries and business……you know this is very hard for me, so i pray for your help, but I need you to know that I am listening for you, I am searching for you”…..


so i dunno…..maybe next time spend a few minutes in prayer but only mutter these 6 words.


God Bless!


			


	

			





	
	


		

		
Oh, How He loves us so

				

			
		

			


	

		
“He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.


And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all”


I sat down on my bed tonight to pray…i haven’t finished yet. I was overwhelmed with the need to write…so here we go…
This song has been on my heart all week. I discovered it last year and was amazed by it, but slowly with school and life i let go of it and forgot about it.  I rediscovered it this week as I was looking for more songs to run to….and i came across the video on youtube about the story of this song….. John Mark Mcmillian wrote it the night he found out he had lost his best friend in a tragic car accident.  He was so angry and confused and was suffering so much…asking God why this happened and he wrote this song realizing that no matter how messed up he felt right now… God loved him no less…..His love is always infinite…. and he found peace in that.
And i was sitting here tonight praying and asking God for forgiveness for my pride, my selfishness,  my inabilities to resist temptation and this chorus seemed to leap right into my soul.  And for the first time I felt more than a superficial meaning of this song…. I felt the real, raw meaning of this song first hand.  Such a simple chorus, yet so powerful…..it becomes not just another chorus in another song, but a prayer of great truth.  I felt my afflicitions “eclipsed with glory” as I realized how “great His affections are for me”.  This song is like Jesus crying out to the repentant sinner, “I hear you, I’ve been tempted, and I know it’s not easy… but please, for now, just look at my hands….scarred by love….feel the immense depth of my love for you…. on the cross I knew all your sins….I knew the many times you would deny me….I knew the many times  you would give evil a second look…..yet I still chose to die for you.  You can’t fully imagine the entirety of my love for you on this earth…but I need you to trust me when I say that I will never love you less….my love for you is constant and it is all you need to find peace and joy in this world.  There is no sin that is unforgivable…the cross took care of them all…just come to me and you will find rest…you will find love.”


Oh, how He loves us……


“We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…



He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us.”


			


	

			





	
	


		

		
love, fear, punishment…..i’m confused….

				

			
		

			


	

		
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.” – 1 John 4:18


I’ve been wondering off and on about this verse for about 4 months now.  When i first read it, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it….and i still am a bit unsure about it…but I felt the need to write about it…so here it goes (bear with me guys)


This verse is proof that I will never be perfect in love on this earth.  It’s hard not to fear.  First time reading this I tried to make sense of it through romantic love…and there was no way….in all my past relationships I had definitely feared starting to love, there were moments of fear during love, and there was fear upon the end of love.  Then I looked beyond romantic love to friendship and familial love and fears creep in there too.  I mean, there is no doubt that I fear when a loved one goes into the hospital.  No one wants anything bad to happen to someone they love and for sure wouldn’t want them to pass away although God would probably have us look at death from another perspective…as beautiful and the final passageway to His Glory(but that’s a completely different discussion that I’ll save for another day…).  And speaking of His Glory, what about love of God.  The Bible tells us numerous times that fear of God is to be praised…so what’s with that?
Then I started thinking…well who really lived this type of perfect love?  Immediately Mary at the foot of the cross popped into my head.  Not too much is said about Mary during the Passion of Jesus…but sometimes I try to imagine her suffering at the cross…..no doubt that her heart is pierced with daggers seeing her only Son, her Lord, dying on a cross…. no doubt she is weeping…. but I do doubt that she is fearful.  Mary’s love for Jesus was perfect.  She trusted God’s will with 100% of all her being.  This immense trust can only be derived from perfect love…a perfect love which tosses fear to the wind.  A perfect love found in the heart of the Mother looking up at her Son and her Savior in complete obedience and trust in her God.  (what an incredible woman!!! )
Then I got to thinking, “how can I love like this?”…”is it even possible”….and I believe the answer is no, definitely not alone, definitely not without God’s grace. Somehow fears always creeps in…  I think this perfect love can only come about through complete unity with God.  I think perfect, nonfearing love is what makes Heaven so special.  It is there that our unity with God , that was lost during the fall (our ‘punishment’), will be restored with perfect, fearless love.


 But let me now read you the verse found before this passage “God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him. In this is love brought to perfection among us, that we have confidence on the day of judgement because as he is, so are we in this world.”  I believe the key here is Jesus.  He is the more obvious living being that perfectly loved.  And he is our mediator who, on the day of judgement, can perfect our love and bind us completely with God.


 I think we should always strive to love with complete trust in God and that we should pray to love like God.   But just because love may never be completely fearless and perfected while on earth, that makes it no less beautiful.  Cuz I think God still smiles down on our not so perfect hearts.  I think He tears up like a proud Father when we tell Him how much we adore Him and how much we love Him.  I think he dances at weddings and chokes up at a kind hand given to a stranger. And I think He embraces our hearts when we do fall into fearfullness.
Now imagine how wonderful and amazing being in love feels here on Earth…you almost can’t think of anything better…. but multiply that time infinity and you have the love we will feel when we stand face to face with Jesus!  I can’t even imagine how beautiful that will feel….but that’s Heaven and I pray that we ALL will experience it as our love is made perfect through God who is, above all things,…..love! =)


			


	

			





	
	


		

		
Beloved

				

			
		

			


	

		

  


“You are my beloved, on you my favor rests”




I bought a book for my friend called Life of the Beloved by my favorite author, Father Nouwen.   However, placing an unread Nouwen book in front of me is like placing a glass of wine in front of a true Italian.  The indulgence is inevitable.  So I started reading and was once again taken away by his insights and his beautiful language of the love of God.  (hopefully my friend won’t mind that her gift was a bit “broken in” lol.)


He talks about how one of the greatest sins of our time is self-rejection and arrogance although both are one of the same.  He says, “isn’t arrogance putting yourself on a pedestal to avoid being seen as you see yourself? Isn’t it just another way of dealing with the feelings of worthlessness?”  When it all comes down to it, we all fall for the lies that lead to self-rejection.  We believe our boss that we just aren’t good enough or smart enough and that’s why we were not promoted or why we were let go.  We believe the man who momentarily glances at us lovingly before he turns to the next that we aren’t beautiful enough for him to stick around.   We believe the magazines , tv shows, and movies when they tell us that the way we live our lives isn’t the way our culture would have hoped.  We believe the evil one when he places these self conscious and self rejecting lies near our hearts and if we aren’t strong enough, these lies gain entrance inside.  This strength can only come from the one who created us and called us “very good”.  This strength can only come from the one who made us His beloved.


We are all His beloved.  But do we all believe it?   If we believed it we wouldn’t be seeking attention and righteousness in all the wrong places.   That is why Nouwen says we have to become the beloved in our hearts even though God already considers us the beloved.  We have to focus and pray on 4 things: being chosen as the beloved, being blessed, being broken and giving of ourselves. 


CHOSEN: You have to know you were chosen before the beginning of time…before you were given life He knew you and held your very name in the palms of his hands.  The bible says even the hairs on your head are counted.  He knows you inside and out and He loves you more than you could ever fathom.  When Jesus died of the cross, He thought of You! Because you are His forever beloved.


BLESSED: Know that you are blessed.  Give prayers of thanksgiving for all that He has given you and you will soon step out of the darkness and see life in a new light.  Upon the realization of your blessings, you will be more fully able to bestow blessings on others.  Imagine if a friend randomly walked up to you and said, “Man, I’ve been praying for you and that God will bless you with His amazing love and that you may be more aware of His great love for you today and always.”….wouldn’t that be an amazing start to a day!!  But many of us are too busy or too distraught by our own “failures” to realize our own blessings, let alone bestow them upon others.  


BROKEN:  We are all broken.  We all experience pain in our own ways and in our own hearts.  No person can ever feel exactly what you feel. But God knows exactly how you feel.  He has placed the heartache upon you with the hope that you can find the beauty in the breaking.  For nothing comes to us without going through His Hands first.  And no suffering is bestowed on us without its own individual wisdom waiting to be sought.


Now neither I nor Nouwen are saying that we should all run around with confidence knowing we are the beloved and thinking we have no need for improvement.  We all need practice at knowing thyself and growing in wisdom.  We all need to continually grow in love of God and love of neighbor.  However, the aspects of our lives that need a little work must never bring us down into self-rejection and despair.  We must look at our brokenness as ways to grow under the blessings of the beloved.


 GIVING: “It is sad to see that, in our highly competitive and greedy world, we have lost touch with the joy of giving.  We often live as if our happiness depended on having.  True joy, happiness, and inner peace come from the giving of ourselves to others”.  And our gift of ourselves is hardly ever what we can do, rather it is who we are.  I’ve learned this is especially true on the mission field.  At Naz Farm we were sent to an old lady’s house to paint and do some yardwork.  Well the work wasn’t nearly as important as taking the time out to sit awhile with Granny B.  She took great joy in watching us savor her famous grilled cheese and laugh hysterically at her stories.  If we had gotten too caught up in the work, our mission would have been cut short on joy.  But we were more able to bless by the fact that we cared about who she was as a person than caring more about the work we needed to get done.  And if we slow down and spenda little time becoming the beloved, we are more in tune to that voice saying “slow down, give a little of yourself to this person…they need My joy today and I am sending you to deliver it.”  There is no greater joy than to be a beloved servant of Christ.




Isn’t it wonderful to know that we are so loved? Isn’t it great to become the beloved!  My prayer for you is that you place all your burdens, your self-rejection, your arrogance, your insecurities and your fears at the feet of our God knowing that “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” –Romans 8:39.  No matter how far you have fallen away or how broken you are, God will never stop loving You.  Embrace that love, let it wrap around you with its comforting joy and peace.  Only then will you truly feel what it’s like to live as the Beloved.


			


	

			





	
	


		

		
A wait at Walgreens

				

			
		

			


	

		
This one is from March, 2010:






                Freshly humbled by my very own ignorance of my personal insurance policy, I sit quietly next to two college frat boys waiting for the pharmacy tech to figure out my drug coverage conundrum for me.  I sift through my purse hoping to find some reading material, anything that would make sitting next to these two young friends less uncomfortable.  As I find relief in playing with the buttons on my cell phone, I quickly fall into their conversation of frustrations with girls.  The boy waiting for his medicine starts talking about an Ashley who is indecisive about whether she wants to be in a committed relationship one day, or be available the next.  His sidekick proceeds to rattle off names of girls who have similar tastes in flightiness.  He then deems it an opportune time to pour out his wisdom on dating to his fraternity brother.  “That’s why now I don’t want a name, a number, or an address.  Just go for the one night stand and you’re done,” he preaches rather smugly.  His callous statement shoves my heart into a pit of sadness.  One may think it appropriate to feel sorry that a boy would believe such a lie, knowing that it will only lead him more into emptiness and despair.  However, I start picturing those girls, his “targets”.  I see them having a good time in a bar, falling for his antics, and giving away a small piece of their innocent heart that night.  I feel sorry that a man would objectify them and be oblivious to their precious hearts.  Hearts made in the image and likeness of God meant to be treasured and protected, yet this frat boy overlooks the scars he creates with his one night escapades.  I wonder what he will say on the day he stares deep into our Lords eyes as He asks, “How did you treat my daughters?  Did you actively seek to protect their hearts and honor their innocence?  Did you search for their true beauty and study their intricate souls by earning their respect and winning their hearts?  How did you treat my daughters, my son?”


                Luckily, before I am tempted to say anything, his medicines are called, and he and his sidekick walk away.  As I sit there unfairly building up stereotypes for fraternity men in my own mind, an elderly woman wrapped in a long black shawl walks up to the counter.  An unusually bright smile lights up her face seemingly out of place for a woman just picking up meds at her local Walgreens.  The pleasant clerk greets her and she soon pays for her medication.  She delightfully thanks the clerk and ends their interaction with a peppy, “God Bless!”.  The bright smile from the elderly woman’s face has now found its way onto mine.  How I wish that I would have the courage to pour out God’s blessing on a mere acquaintance.  What a powerful statement granted with such simplicity and grace.  Why does my fear of offending someone stop me from vocalizing my hope for them?   God told us to love one another, right?  


                My thoughts rapidly turn towards the new ideas of the so called decline of Christianity in America.  In just five minutes, I have witnessed grave sin and Godly love side by side.  What if we, as Christians, started outwardly loving our brothers and sisters, actively caring for their hearts?   What if we invoked a small change in our day to day life by wishing God’s blessing on one another?  What if Christianity is not declining here, but no one is actually sitting still long enough to witness it in its simple quaint moments? Finally, what if we could be that elderly woman in the black shawl, loving unconditionally, knowing not how her two last words were instilling a great hope and delight in the young woman’s heart, sitting quietly in the corner at Walgreens.